Okay, I wasn’t tagged for this one. But the “big kids” on the block seem to be reflecting on where they were ten years ago, and the idea intrigued me, so here goes, although I changed the time frame to look back fifteen years:
1993: I had just left another pointless secretarial job. I was in debt up to my kiester, and walking with crutches as a result of falling on the same ankle six times in five months. Although I had a lovely little attic apartment, I could not climb the stairs to get to it and was living on the couch of some friends. Those were the major bad points.
There were some good points. I sold my first story (“Geniecon”), and it was published in a Mike Resnick/Martin H. Greenberg anthology: Aladdin: Master of the Lamp. I then sold two more, joined SFWA, and realized that I was hardly the worst writer out there. I attended my first Worldcon, where I got to meet a lot of the writers I had been talking with online.
I was also in total financial denial. The friends I was staying with loaned me money for Worldcon when my wallet was stolen on the way to the Amtrak station. My credit cards were maxed out. My Unemployment checks were barely enough to cover my rent, even though they were the highest bracket my state granted. My checkbook was a mess. (And, yes, the series on acquiring and maintaining a checking account is based on things it took me decades to become rigorous about!) I had a depression that was at least the size of Minnesota, because all I could see was that everything was falling apart, and I had no clue where to attack the mess.
Contrast that to now: I’m thinking of leaving my current job in five years so that I can work independently. I am doing the type of writing I wanted to, even though I have not yet turned it into an income stream. Not only are my credit cards not maxed out, but only one of them has any balance left on it, and I just cut up the one that charged me the highest interest. I have a (admittedly) very tiny emergency fund, and am planning how to grow that. I am, by no means, out of the woods yet, but for the first time I can see the clearing beyond the trees.
What created the changes? The first thing is that I finally stopped deluding myself, and took a long, hard look at what I owed, and at what I was facing. I then gave some real hard thought to my life. What I found was that in any area but financial, my word was good as gold. When it came to finances, however, I would say anything or do almost anything to get what I needed. Further, I was very good at excuses and at avoiding being accountable for my actions. I was also living way beyond my means.
Sometimes, I still find myself struggling to keep my word on things financial. There were, however, several good reasons for me to do so. A lot of my growing up had to do with my roommate’s shortcomings: One of us had to start, and it was pretty clear it was not going to be her. Another motivator was meeting my fiancé: Once we decided we were serious, we also decided that neither of us wanted to foist our financial baggage on the other. The biggest motivator was, of course, that I got tired of living the way I was. I want to be truly independent, and the only way I could do that was by clearing up my act.
I won’t say it’s easy; it’s not. There are times I wish I could just buy what I want, and not think about whether or not I can afford it. But right now, this is the way it is, and – in the long run, which is what counts – it will be to my benefit.
Am I glad I’ve made the changes I have? You bet. Would I do it again? Yep. Do I wish I had not needed to? Absolutely. Still, the hardest thing to do sometimes is to let go of the past, and move forward, and I see progress along those lines. And that feels better than anything I could buy myself.
What do you see when you look back? Have the changes you have made been primarily positive? What small steps are you looking at taking to move forward in your life?
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